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Eve Drewelowe's journals, volumes II-III, 1950s
Page 195
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Perhaps I may yet find a wise balance between the social and the creative of my nature. That this can be accomplished is very doubtful for one adjustment always calls for another. Whether the one may be eliminated from the other is also uncertain and untried. Nevertheless there is the determination within myself that if they two cannot be managed in this congenial fashion that there shall remain but the one alternative - the choice of uprooting all that hitherfore has given rise to conflict. For it is my steadfast intention despite all opposition, to live a hectic torn-to-shreds existence no longer. But I shall attempt to walk firmly and unbendingly the straight line of painting and peace, and mortal tranquility. Furthermore the tumult in my stomach shall have to permit me more hours of reprieve - respite from that devastating, disconcerting furor that constantly threatens to tear at me. With but five minutes notice I could again become embroiled int hat whirl of life which heads nowhere for me except to complete and overwhelming disaster. To go with the crowd at the established pace in the gay pursuit of an unheeding bit of tinsel leads only to physical, nervous and mortal debilitation, - and the deprivation of painting to a madness. In my case fortunately the stomach and digestive tract being inherently more weak than head, the disquietude settled there in all intensity. To go with the hoarde in the general direction, as has been observed, works crushing havoc with me. To go against the general movement leaves one all trampled in the dash in the echoing tramp of untoward feet. Where to? Oh, where to? And yet I still contend and have consistently maintained, that it is not mal-adjustment which is responsible in large part for "I am a STOMACH" but misnomered conditioning to misnomered living that can be blamed. Since that is the diagnosis there shall be no more of that modifying of myself to meet the unjust demands and commands of what others should impose. If it can be helped - and I am resolved that it shall - there shall be no occasion for occurence. There shall be no return
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Perhaps I may yet find a wise balance between the social and the creative of my nature. That this can be accomplished is very doubtful for one adjustment always calls for another. Whether the one may be eliminated from the other is also uncertain and untried. Nevertheless there is the determination within myself that if they two cannot be managed in this congenial fashion that there shall remain but the one alternative - the choice of uprooting all that hitherfore has given rise to conflict. For it is my steadfast intention despite all opposition, to live a hectic torn-to-shreds existence no longer. But I shall attempt to walk firmly and unbendingly the straight line of painting and peace, and mortal tranquility. Furthermore the tumult in my stomach shall have to permit me more hours of reprieve - respite from that devastating, disconcerting furor that constantly threatens to tear at me. With but five minutes notice I could again become embroiled int hat whirl of life which heads nowhere for me except to complete and overwhelming disaster. To go with the crowd at the established pace in the gay pursuit of an unheeding bit of tinsel leads only to physical, nervous and mortal debilitation, - and the deprivation of painting to a madness. In my case fortunately the stomach and digestive tract being inherently more weak than head, the disquietude settled there in all intensity. To go with the hoarde in the general direction, as has been observed, works crushing havoc with me. To go against the general movement leaves one all trampled in the dash in the echoing tramp of untoward feet. Where to? Oh, where to? And yet I still contend and have consistently maintained, that it is not mal-adjustment which is responsible in large part for "I am a STOMACH" but misnomered conditioning to misnomered living that can be blamed. Since that is the diagnosis there shall be no more of that modifying of myself to meet the unjust demands and commands of what others should impose. If it can be helped - and I am resolved that it shall - there shall be no occasion for occurence. There shall be no return
Iowa Women’s Lives: Letters and Diaries
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