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Variant, v. 1, issue 2, whole no. 2, May 1947
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May 1947 VARIANT Page 1 The problem of greatest interest to scientists, scholars, and citizens in the world today is undoubtedly that of the authenticity of the specimen claimed by the well-known scholar and explorer, Benson Dooling, PSFS, to be the dorsal molar of that little known, prehistoric creature, the Duo-finned Narcissiclinch. This imposing fossil - which is now to be found in the halls of the Philadelphia Science Fiction Society, to which it was graciously donated by Mr. Dooling - has provoked a world-wide controversy. In view of this unprecedented popularity, we have taken it upon ourselves to print what data we have upon the subject. The following letter, written by Mr. Dooling to the very highly esteemedMr. Benedict - whose integrity is beyond question - may serve to illuminate the problem, containing as it does,material not generally know. I quote: Dear Larry: I have your letter which insists, in the name of science, that the unique specimen of dorsal molar be turned over to the P. S. F. S. You are quite right. Delicacy suggests, however, that it be delivered,not as a gift - which gesture would entail a considerable expenditure on the club's part, in annual taxes; but as a permanent loan. You ask how I acquired the thing. You shall know all that can be told at the moment, my trusted friend. A few data must remain secret, in the interests of several people in high places. You will recall having read, in Dr. Meloncup's excellent book - we disagree on the mordungal svid; but he is a decent chap, whatever - The Contracting Elipse, or Caught by the Knuts in Avize, how we mushed through The Saratoga Bar and how my number one gun boy, Existentialist Sam, was struck in a vulnerable spot by a poisoned dart; how after amputation, no longer able to engage in his favourite sport, pig sticking, the faithful lad withered and died. Science knows this. Science also knows that, just before he died, he called me to his side, and handed me a spot of Remy Martin V.S.O.P. He said, " I hope you liked your drink! " Poor bastard! He had always overrated Kipling! What has not been told is what he handed me a map showing the location of the invaluable dorsal molar which I am forwarding to you by this post. (There is another map showing the location of the Remy Martin V.S.O.P. It is a personal matter.) Difficulties surmounted during the horrific expedition which, fortunately, retrieved the specimen, will be elucidated in my shortly to be published travel journal Snake Eyes, which is expected to be banned in Boston. Please to present the dorsal molar to President Train, with the circular explaining it, if you see fit, this letter. Present it to him for the club. I shall be present at the next meeting; but for me to give away this priceless thing, would mean for me to weep: and tears are not a manly thing, certainly not to be expected of an explorer. Thank you, my trusted friend, Bens: To this is appended a note which I quote in part: Dear Larry: On second thought, I dare not entrust the dorsal molar of the Duo-finned Narcissiclinch to the mails. Perhaps, in fact, it is unmailable. Will you, then, take this letter to the meeting, and I will take the exhibit and its explanatory circular?........ Regards: Bens: As a result, then, the following world famous speech was made at the next meeting of the club.
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May 1947 VARIANT Page 1 The problem of greatest interest to scientists, scholars, and citizens in the world today is undoubtedly that of the authenticity of the specimen claimed by the well-known scholar and explorer, Benson Dooling, PSFS, to be the dorsal molar of that little known, prehistoric creature, the Duo-finned Narcissiclinch. This imposing fossil - which is now to be found in the halls of the Philadelphia Science Fiction Society, to which it was graciously donated by Mr. Dooling - has provoked a world-wide controversy. In view of this unprecedented popularity, we have taken it upon ourselves to print what data we have upon the subject. The following letter, written by Mr. Dooling to the very highly esteemedMr. Benedict - whose integrity is beyond question - may serve to illuminate the problem, containing as it does,material not generally know. I quote: Dear Larry: I have your letter which insists, in the name of science, that the unique specimen of dorsal molar be turned over to the P. S. F. S. You are quite right. Delicacy suggests, however, that it be delivered,not as a gift - which gesture would entail a considerable expenditure on the club's part, in annual taxes; but as a permanent loan. You ask how I acquired the thing. You shall know all that can be told at the moment, my trusted friend. A few data must remain secret, in the interests of several people in high places. You will recall having read, in Dr. Meloncup's excellent book - we disagree on the mordungal svid; but he is a decent chap, whatever - The Contracting Elipse, or Caught by the Knuts in Avize, how we mushed through The Saratoga Bar and how my number one gun boy, Existentialist Sam, was struck in a vulnerable spot by a poisoned dart; how after amputation, no longer able to engage in his favourite sport, pig sticking, the faithful lad withered and died. Science knows this. Science also knows that, just before he died, he called me to his side, and handed me a spot of Remy Martin V.S.O.P. He said, " I hope you liked your drink! " Poor bastard! He had always overrated Kipling! What has not been told is what he handed me a map showing the location of the invaluable dorsal molar which I am forwarding to you by this post. (There is another map showing the location of the Remy Martin V.S.O.P. It is a personal matter.) Difficulties surmounted during the horrific expedition which, fortunately, retrieved the specimen, will be elucidated in my shortly to be published travel journal Snake Eyes, which is expected to be banned in Boston. Please to present the dorsal molar to President Train, with the circular explaining it, if you see fit, this letter. Present it to him for the club. I shall be present at the next meeting; but for me to give away this priceless thing, would mean for me to weep: and tears are not a manly thing, certainly not to be expected of an explorer. Thank you, my trusted friend, Bens: To this is appended a note which I quote in part: Dear Larry: On second thought, I dare not entrust the dorsal molar of the Duo-finned Narcissiclinch to the mails. Perhaps, in fact, it is unmailable. Will you, then, take this letter to the meeting, and I will take the exhibit and its explanatory circular?........ Regards: Bens: As a result, then, the following world famous speech was made at the next meeting of the club.
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