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Variant, v. 1, issue 2, whole no. 2, May 1947
Page 5
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May 1947 VARIANT Page 5 tion for the creature's loss; but Dr. Gordon thinks that some similar process might have been expected notwithstanding. In the light of our present tittle of data, we can advance no opinion at this time. The coprolite which glitters n the lower right hand corner of our exhibit is authentic. It was discovered in the Glaciale Menthe Caverns five pink gins out from Cherry Heering, and is assumed to be the souvenir of a flying burfil which was somewhat in a hurry. There seems to be little ground for the theory advanced by Dr. Tony Port, that similar dorsal molars had symbolical use in the fertility rites of the enervated Enk Men (homo sans cantharidies) and kindred tribes. It is possible, of course, that this learned scholar confuses the dorsal molar with some other fossil. Here is a pausing place for whimsical speculation. Our dorsal molar, we have explained, was found under several layers of slate. These bits of slate were scrawled with odd designs and figures, and with words in a language unknown to us:- could it be that these words were the jottings of young narcissiclinchi, anxious to advance in a cooling world? Could these have represented homework assigned by a gentle teacher in a little red school house of the rea? How interesting if it were true, at a time when most of those who thought they could write were splitting infinitives out of stone. It seems unlikely, though, as the predatory, amatory habit of their father - if father, in fact he was - must have cramped such ambition. Now here is something rather curious; the red billed winstrel, a parasite which lived in a cavity in Narcissiclinchis tooth. The present specimen seems to have suffered a slight malformation, perhaps caused by an injury suffered during nidation. In return for the shelter offered by the dorsal molar, and for an occasional segment of egg, the red billed winstrel would warn the Duo-finned Narcissiclinch, who waited, ever expectant, his fins stretched up on the mud of the shore, of the shining of the midday sun. I wonder what might be the ontological excuse for this strange creature - this Duo-finned Narcissiclinch, which was neither fish nor lobster newburgh; but assuredly was foul? What purpose did it serve? Where was it going? And why did it seem so anxious to stop? It represented perhaps the moxt perfect nihilist known to experience; and should remain so until there is perfected a means to dehydrate water. There should be little profit in trying to riddle its secret. Mens hairs have turned gray over less. In closing, this reminder. Let us not, with our sophisticated minds, think harshly of Narci. If the glass were reversed we might look as odd to him as he does to us. Let us be certain that to his contemporaries, to the boys in the poolroom, to the crowd in the drug store, he was (probably) a hail fellow all wet, and he was one hundred per cent Rotarian, with both fins on the ground. Thank you for your kind and flattering attention. [[top image text]] "Two fins...on one side...which made it lean a trifle to the left." [[end top image text]] [[bottom image text]] ATTENTION WITH APPLE SAUCE HORSERADISH & PRUNE WHIP A bit of surplus left of the canned attention shown Our Speaker. [[end bottom illustration text]]
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May 1947 VARIANT Page 5 tion for the creature's loss; but Dr. Gordon thinks that some similar process might have been expected notwithstanding. In the light of our present tittle of data, we can advance no opinion at this time. The coprolite which glitters n the lower right hand corner of our exhibit is authentic. It was discovered in the Glaciale Menthe Caverns five pink gins out from Cherry Heering, and is assumed to be the souvenir of a flying burfil which was somewhat in a hurry. There seems to be little ground for the theory advanced by Dr. Tony Port, that similar dorsal molars had symbolical use in the fertility rites of the enervated Enk Men (homo sans cantharidies) and kindred tribes. It is possible, of course, that this learned scholar confuses the dorsal molar with some other fossil. Here is a pausing place for whimsical speculation. Our dorsal molar, we have explained, was found under several layers of slate. These bits of slate were scrawled with odd designs and figures, and with words in a language unknown to us:- could it be that these words were the jottings of young narcissiclinchi, anxious to advance in a cooling world? Could these have represented homework assigned by a gentle teacher in a little red school house of the rea? How interesting if it were true, at a time when most of those who thought they could write were splitting infinitives out of stone. It seems unlikely, though, as the predatory, amatory habit of their father - if father, in fact he was - must have cramped such ambition. Now here is something rather curious; the red billed winstrel, a parasite which lived in a cavity in Narcissiclinchis tooth. The present specimen seems to have suffered a slight malformation, perhaps caused by an injury suffered during nidation. In return for the shelter offered by the dorsal molar, and for an occasional segment of egg, the red billed winstrel would warn the Duo-finned Narcissiclinch, who waited, ever expectant, his fins stretched up on the mud of the shore, of the shining of the midday sun. I wonder what might be the ontological excuse for this strange creature - this Duo-finned Narcissiclinch, which was neither fish nor lobster newburgh; but assuredly was foul? What purpose did it serve? Where was it going? And why did it seem so anxious to stop? It represented perhaps the moxt perfect nihilist known to experience; and should remain so until there is perfected a means to dehydrate water. There should be little profit in trying to riddle its secret. Mens hairs have turned gray over less. In closing, this reminder. Let us not, with our sophisticated minds, think harshly of Narci. If the glass were reversed we might look as odd to him as he does to us. Let us be certain that to his contemporaries, to the boys in the poolroom, to the crowd in the drug store, he was (probably) a hail fellow all wet, and he was one hundred per cent Rotarian, with both fins on the ground. Thank you for your kind and flattering attention. [[top image text]] "Two fins...on one side...which made it lean a trifle to the left." [[end top image text]] [[bottom image text]] ATTENTION WITH APPLE SAUCE HORSERADISH & PRUNE WHIP A bit of surplus left of the canned attention shown Our Speaker. [[end bottom illustration text]]
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