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Futurian War Digest, whole no. 15, June 1941

Page 4

[Image of an emblem with an elephant facing front in the center. The words "BLOOMINGTON ILLINOIS" arc over the elephant's head, and "CIRCUS" and "RINK" are to the left and right of the elephant, respectively, in vertical text]

Yessir, fans, it's the BIG BOY himself, BOB TUCKER: [the words "Yessir, fans, it's the BIG BOY himself, BOB TUCKER" are underlined] "Cheerio Number 1 Face and Number 14 Kisser: It behooves me to pen thee a missive. I really can't remember when I did write you last, and to think of the name of Tucker failing to appear in the hallowed pages of quote our mag unquote for so many long months is unbearable. I can quite readily see why your circulation is dwindling. Therefore I shall unburden myself upon thee, anent divers matters gnawing away at my peace of mind, in the following easily-read numbered fashion. ' ' (1) Elmer Jurgen ["Jurgen" is underlined] Perdue is lonely. Dosn't that wrench the cockles of your heart? I agree, it didn't wrench mine either. Elmer may not know you-all as well as he would like, but gee whiz! how I know Elmer. So our Jurgen is currently dwelling in the midst of a gigantic, never-ending red-light district, and JURGEN is lonely! Pardon me while I emit hearty guffaws of evil laughter. Master Perdue, then, in his lonliness, should seek another idol. Eh? (Hold thy evilaffter! True, Perdue lives in a redlite district; but--Perdue is colorblind!) [the previous phrase in parenthesis is underlined with the symbol '~', except for the word 'colorblind', which is only underlined] -- (2) Thank you very much for that copy of the song sheet, 'Hymn to Satan'. However I am afraid my neighbors don't appreciate it, so I shall have to forbear playing the opus.The other night while I was running thru it for the first time, on my harmonica, some dope with horns stuck his head up thru the floor at my feet and asked me to please desist. I ran down the basement to find how in the hell the guy did the trick, but he was gone. ' ' (3) This may sound like Van Houten, but stf magazines do more harm than good. Patent laws y'know are so designed that once an object is defined in fiction form (or book or magazine) it cannot be patented as an invention by the inventor. Which leads to this: I struggled manfully thru the Esperanto letter of Lloyd Connerly (and came out the loser) and managed to discover that he has a wonderful idea for a 'talking' machine. It occurs to me that somewhere --perhaps in an Amazing or Wonder ['Amazing' and 'Wonder' are underlined] of ancient vintage, I have chanced across just a fictional invention, So, our talking machine will never be. That old magazine, and VoM ['VoM' is underlined], has deftly contrived to bar it from the patent office. (Altho hope is not gone! See our Mr Rothman in Washington when in need of wires to be pulled.) (Milty, the Wire-Wolf of Wash! [everything in this parentheses is underlined with the symbol '~']) ' ' (4) Oh, did the May issue have a cover? Aw--yes, I remember now; that wicked thing. (Careful with your comment on our las cover, U're playing with fire when U criticize the Black Flame! Besides, If Stanley's sister shoud see U, she myt blow up: Remember, she too is a Weinbomb! [everything in this parentheses is underlined with the symbol '~']) -- (5) Let me state here I don't altogether like the Vomaiden -- her face is a little too puerile to suit the impeccable Tucker taste. Let's have a more zin in our fanzines ['zin' in 'fanzines' is underlined] say I ! (BT, U're just an obzine old fan [everything in this parentheses is underlined with the symbol '~']) ' ' (6) Pip pip." 
A dip into the past as JACK SPEER of 3416 North-ampton NW, Wn/DC, disposes of our Dec & Jan ishes: [the previous sentence is underlined] "I suggest you seriously consider Epstein's suggestion about a more attractive setup of your pages, particularly some device to keep the various letters from looking so run-together. Well as I know what's fun in store from a reading of VoM, I sometimes put it off because of the forbidding appearance. Ditto for writing re it. (Ditto for dummying it! [everything in these parentheses is underlined with the symbol '~'])" Haggard gets the palm so far for the hardest-to-read writing style."So to Jan41 Voice. [NOTE: The last two sentences were formatted to droop down as the text continued]  The cover is sweet, but it's rather painfully obvious that the stf emblems were put on it some time after the drawing was first done, and are no element of the original design.  (LMNtal, Mr Juffus! [everything in this parentheses is underlined with the symbol '~']) "When are you and the Northern Californians gonna get together in a pacificon? (Ah, things are Liter Than U Think for a specificon at the door of the Wester Drink! [everything in the parentheses is underlined with the symbol '~']) "Gibber, gibr, gibr! Dave McIlwraith said 'That was me'.

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[Image of an emblem with an elephant facing front in the center. The words "BLOOMINGTON ILLINOIS" arc over the elephant's head, and "CIRCUS" and "RINK" are to the left and right of the elephant, respectively, in vertical text] Yessir, fans, it's the BIG BOY himself, BOB TUCKER: [the words "Yessir, fans, it's the BIG BOY himself, BOB TUCKER" are underlined] "Cheerio Number 1 Face and Number 14 Kisser: It behooves me to pen thee a missive. I really can't remember when I did write you last, and to think of the name of Tucker failing to appear in the hallowed pages of quote our mag unquote for so many long months is unbearable. I can quite readily see why your circulation is dwindling. Therefore I shall unburden myself upon thee, anent divers matters gnawing away at my peace of mind, in the following easily-read numbered fashion. ' ' (1) Elmer Jurgen ["Jurgen" is underlined] Perdue is lonely. Dosn't that wrench the cockles of your heart? I agree, it didn't wrench mine either. Elmer may not know you-all as well as he would like, but gee whiz! how I know Elmer. So our Jurgen is currently dwelling in the midst of a gigantic, never-ending red-light district, and JURGEN is lonely! Pardon me while I emit hearty guffaws of evil laughter. Master Perdue, then, in his lonliness, should seek another idol. Eh? (Hold thy evilaffter! True, Perdue lives in a redlite district; but--Perdue is colorblind!) [the previous phrase in parenthesis is underlined with the symbol '~', except for the word 'colorblind', which is only underlined] -- (2) Thank you very much for that copy of the song sheet, 'Hymn to Satan'. However I am afraid my neighbors don't appreciate it, so I shall have to forbear playing the opus.The other night while I was running thru it for the first time, on my harmonica, some dope with horns stuck his head up thru the floor at my feet and asked me to please desist. I ran down the basement to find how in the hell the guy did the trick, but he was gone. ' ' (3) This may sound like Van Houten, but stf magazines do more harm than good. Patent laws y'know are so designed that once an object is defined in fiction form (or book or magazine) it cannot be patented as an invention by the inventor. Which leads to this: I struggled manfully thru the Esperanto letter of Lloyd Connerly (and came out the loser) and managed to discover that he has a wonderful idea for a 'talking' machine. It occurs to me that somewhere --perhaps in an Amazing or Wonder ['Amazing' and 'Wonder' are underlined] of ancient vintage, I have chanced across just a fictional invention, So, our talking machine will never be. That old magazine, and VoM ['VoM' is underlined], has deftly contrived to bar it from the patent office. (Altho hope is not gone! See our Mr Rothman in Washington when in need of wires to be pulled.) (Milty, the Wire-Wolf of Wash! [everything in this parentheses is underlined with the symbol '~']) ' ' (4) Oh, did the May issue have a cover? Aw--yes, I remember now; that wicked thing. (Careful with your comment on our las cover, U're playing with fire when U criticize the Black Flame! Besides, If Stanley's sister shoud see U, she myt blow up: Remember, she too is a Weinbomb! [everything in this parentheses is underlined with the symbol '~']) -- (5) Let me state here I don't altogether like the Vomaiden -- her face is a little too puerile to suit the impeccable Tucker taste. Let's have a more zin in our fanzines ['zin' in 'fanzines' is underlined] say I ! (BT, U're just an obzine old fan [everything in this parentheses is underlined with the symbol '~']) ' ' (6) Pip pip." A dip into the past as JACK SPEER of 3416 North-ampton NW, Wn/DC, disposes of our Dec & Jan ishes: [the previous sentence is underlined] "I suggest you seriously consider Epstein's suggestion about a more attractive setup of your pages, particularly some device to keep the various letters from looking so run-together. Well as I know what's fun in store from a reading of VoM, I sometimes put it off because of the forbidding appearance. Ditto for writing re it. (Ditto for dummying it! [everything in these parentheses is underlined with the symbol '~'])" Haggard gets the palm so far for the hardest-to-read writing style."So to Jan41 Voice. [NOTE: The last two sentences were formatted to droop down as the text continued] The cover is sweet, but it's rather painfully obvious that the stf emblems were put on it some time after the drawing was first done, and are no element of the original design. (LMNtal, Mr Juffus! [everything in this parentheses is underlined with the symbol '~']) "When are you and the Northern Californians gonna get together in a pacificon? (Ah, things are Liter Than U Think for a specificon at the door of the Wester Drink! [everything in the parentheses is underlined with the symbol '~']) "Gibber, gibr, gibr! Dave McIlwraith said 'That was me'.