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Tycho, v. 1, issue 1, June 1942
Page 5
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CONQUEST by GARBAGEMAN -- AS TOLD TO A.L. SCHWARTZ As all good fans by now know, the United States entered World War II on the morning of Dec. 7, 1941, when we were attacked by the japs at Pearl Harbor. Unfortunately, I wasn't there to foil the plot for I was rounding up a Nazi spy-ring in my own home town; Hickville. In fact, I was so d--- busy nailing spies (we superheroes nail more spies!) capturing bank robbers, kidnappers, murderers... etc that I didn't have a chance to read the news in the papers. Except, of course, Slaphappy Annie the Orphan and her dog, Flea-Circus. My favorite comic-strip, too. But one day, Annie told Fleacircus that we should all buy defense bonds to "slap the jap in his yap." I didn't know what she was talking about. The same day I caught another Nazi spy who spoke very, very nastily. He used a lot of language that a good fan wouldn't use and said that the japs would knock h--l out of the USA. That remark got me very mad, so instead of throwing him down the Empire State, I kicked him thru' the wall. I got home from spy-catching early that night and it was all I could do to get thru' Slaphappy Annie, but what was this on the front-page? We -- at war with Japan? Gee, did I get mad! I leaped out to Hawaii, missing Oahu by a few hundred miles, so I swam and swam to get back. Enroute to Oahu, I sank three Jap- subs - an aircraft carrier, destroyers and a rowboat. (The rowboat belonged to two Nazi spies) Single-handed and alone, I sank a jap invasion fleet, but then I had to leave for Burma. There I used the barrel of a cannon to kill-off the japs. I did, 99% of 'em. I leaped to the Philippines where, in two hours and more minutes, I killed, maimed or threw back to Japan all the invaders I could find on the islands. In less time than it takes to tell, I cleaned out the Dutch East Indies, and sank most of the Japanese navy. I stopped in Australia for a rest. Ge. MacArthur wanted to give me ten bright medals, but we hypermen can't accept such things for our services. Germany Proper I ignored for a while because the British were having a wee bit of trouble in North Africa. I straightened out their troubles in 8 minutes. I went back to Germany, via Italy, stopping only to tweak Benny the Bum's nose. I rushed into Berches -- Berch -- Berp - aw hell, Uncle Adolph's private sanatorium. Earth now has a second moon; the name: Adolphitler. And when I returned to the USA, I immediately slunk back into my padded cell, and then became the weak, anemic little half-wit everyone knows I am. --finis--
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CONQUEST by GARBAGEMAN -- AS TOLD TO A.L. SCHWARTZ As all good fans by now know, the United States entered World War II on the morning of Dec. 7, 1941, when we were attacked by the japs at Pearl Harbor. Unfortunately, I wasn't there to foil the plot for I was rounding up a Nazi spy-ring in my own home town; Hickville. In fact, I was so d--- busy nailing spies (we superheroes nail more spies!) capturing bank robbers, kidnappers, murderers... etc that I didn't have a chance to read the news in the papers. Except, of course, Slaphappy Annie the Orphan and her dog, Flea-Circus. My favorite comic-strip, too. But one day, Annie told Fleacircus that we should all buy defense bonds to "slap the jap in his yap." I didn't know what she was talking about. The same day I caught another Nazi spy who spoke very, very nastily. He used a lot of language that a good fan wouldn't use and said that the japs would knock h--l out of the USA. That remark got me very mad, so instead of throwing him down the Empire State, I kicked him thru' the wall. I got home from spy-catching early that night and it was all I could do to get thru' Slaphappy Annie, but what was this on the front-page? We -- at war with Japan? Gee, did I get mad! I leaped out to Hawaii, missing Oahu by a few hundred miles, so I swam and swam to get back. Enroute to Oahu, I sank three Jap- subs - an aircraft carrier, destroyers and a rowboat. (The rowboat belonged to two Nazi spies) Single-handed and alone, I sank a jap invasion fleet, but then I had to leave for Burma. There I used the barrel of a cannon to kill-off the japs. I did, 99% of 'em. I leaped to the Philippines where, in two hours and more minutes, I killed, maimed or threw back to Japan all the invaders I could find on the islands. In less time than it takes to tell, I cleaned out the Dutch East Indies, and sank most of the Japanese navy. I stopped in Australia for a rest. Ge. MacArthur wanted to give me ten bright medals, but we hypermen can't accept such things for our services. Germany Proper I ignored for a while because the British were having a wee bit of trouble in North Africa. I straightened out their troubles in 8 minutes. I went back to Germany, via Italy, stopping only to tweak Benny the Bum's nose. I rushed into Berches -- Berch -- Berp - aw hell, Uncle Adolph's private sanatorium. Earth now has a second moon; the name: Adolphitler. And when I returned to the USA, I immediately slunk back into my padded cell, and then became the weak, anemic little half-wit everyone knows I am. --finis--
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