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Tess Catalano "Take Back the Night" and other academic essays, 1982

1982-12-10 Ms. Shephard Page 9

Ms. Shepard said, "Thank-you. Good-bye." She hung up. Julie was standing next to me. I explained the conversation to her. "She sounds scared to me," she said. I was confused. "But scared of what Julie, tonight was harmless, until now." "I don't know," Julie said. "Call her up and ask her." I looked at Julie for a second, put money in the phone and dialed her number. When she answered I said. "Ms. Shepard, I'm not really sure what you meant on the phone just a minute ago. Did I do something wrong tonight?" There was silence on the other end. Then she said. " I guess I don't want you to think of me as a replacement for Rachael. I'm not. I don't want to be." I felt embarrassed. It still didn't make sense. "Oh, ah, right" I said, "You don't have to worry about that, you can't replace Rachael, no one can." That seemed rude, I thought during the silence that followed."Well good." was the strained reply, "Good-bye" I said good night and hung up. Julie was still looking at me when I let go of the receiver and turned around. "she just didn't want to be a replacement for Rachael." I explained. I turned to go to bed, "I'll tell you about it tomorrow."
   The next day I didn't go to see Ms. Shepard after class. I didn't go to see Ms. Shepard for the rest of the term. I didn't finish the villanelle. I never showed any of my work to her again. She would force a smile if we passed on the street, but we never spoke. The last time I ever said anything at all to her was not until the following year. I told her that many changes had taken place in my life. I had decided to drop out of school. I guess I thought it would warrant some response from her. But it didn't. She just sat there on the other side of her emaculate desk and nodded. There were other students waiting in the hall. I left with a feeling of contempt. It was as if she didn't care, couldn't care. As if she had taken some smaller part of my life and put it on the microscope, so to speak. And now she was seeing and feeling it with a straight head, as it were.

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Ms. Shepard said, "Thank-you. Good-bye." She hung up. Julie was standing next to me. I explained the conversation to her. "She sounds scared to me," she said. I was confused. "But scared of what Julie, tonight was harmless, until now." "I don't know," Julie said. "Call her up and ask her." I looked at Julie for a second, put money in the phone and dialed her number. When she answered I said. "Ms. Shepard, I'm not really sure what you meant on the phone just a minute ago. Did I do something wrong tonight?" There was silence on the other end. Then she said. " I guess I don't want you to think of me as a replacement for Rachael. I'm not. I don't want to be." I felt embarrassed. It still didn't make sense. "Oh, ah, right" I said, "You don't have to worry about that, you can't replace Rachael, no one can." That seemed rude, I thought during the silence that followed."Well good." was the strained reply, "Good-bye" I said good night and hung up. Julie was still looking at me when I let go of the receiver and turned around. "she just didn't want to be a replacement for Rachael." I explained. I turned to go to bed, "I'll tell you about it tomorrow." The next day I didn't go to see Ms. Shepard after class. I didn't go to see Ms. Shepard for the rest of the term. I didn't finish the villanelle. I never showed any of my work to her again. She would force a smile if we passed on the street, but we never spoke. The last time I ever said anything at all to her was not until the following year. I told her that many changes had taken place in my life. I had decided to drop out of school. I guess I thought it would warrant some response from her. But it didn't. She just sat there on the other side of her emaculate desk and nodded. There were other students waiting in the hall. I left with a feeling of contempt. It was as if she didn't care, couldn't care. As if she had taken some smaller part of my life and put it on the microscope, so to speak. And now she was seeing and feeling it with a straight head, as it were.