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Fanfare, v. 1, issue 1, December 1939

Page 16

16    FANFARE

THE DASTARDLY CRIME
   (BONG) by HOY PING PONG

   Twas midnight.  Hist!  Hear the chimes in the village clock boom-forth the witchery hour?:  Bong! Bong! Bong! Bong! Bong!  Skulking underneath the tower of the little white church in the grove, a dark figure skulked.  Now and then he scowled.  Ha!  Good!  No moon.  Clouds, movement.  If the air ain't moving, there ain't no wind.  The air wasn't moving therefore there was no wind.  The clouds scudded anyway.  They were ambitious clouds.
  Ahah!  Langer afoot!  Came tripping daintly down the dark, deserted street-a maiden fair!  Blue eyes!  Blonde hair . . no, a brunette who used peroxide once too often.  She just looks blonde.  Anyway, a maiden -- we hope -- came tripping down the street.  She fell sprawling.  That will teacher her to trip down the street!, we think.  Meanwhile, the dark figure skulked.
  And then--like aflash of avenging doom, there appeared upon the scene--the HERO!  The night is saved! So is the maiden, almost.  At any rate he came upon the scene.  Far away, to be sure (he has just been ejected from the saloon's swinging doors upon the far ende side of town), but at least he is on the same street as our tripping (yes, she is still doing it!) maiden--and--meanwhile, the dark figure skulked.
  Hist! The long limb of the law!  The limb has a trouser leg hiding it.  Therefore it is decent.  We want nothing decent in this story.  So away with the long limb of the law.  Scram.  Meanwhile, the dark figure skulked.
  Overhead, a blazing rocketship, headed for some unknown, mysterious, port, lightning across the sky.  The rocket ship has nothing whatsoever to do with this story, but it makes it science-fictional, which gets it into this magazine.  Also, the blazing rockets provide a sort of illumination for the scene below.  One can see the hands on the church clock.*  Meanwhile-----the dark figure skulked.
   Crammba!  The plot thickens.  Like gravy when flour is added.  Yes, the dainty maiden is applying powder to her nose.  That's a woman for you!  Stops to powder her nose while a dark figure is skulking beneath a church steeple and a hero is being ejected from the saloon for the second time.  Gad!  How he must like schnapps!  The limb of the law is still covered up.  How sad.  But the dainty limb of the----tripping blonde-brunette isn't covered much.  Goody.  Paging Cyril Kornbluth!
  Get Kornbluth on the scene!  Yes, that is the thing to do!  In almost no time at all, he will have the monster dragging the dainty miss to some mountain top.  Once up there, he will stare a fond farewell into her beautiful eyes, and pitch her off the cliff.  What an ending!  Meanwhile, the dark figure....
  ......what! The dark figure IS Kornbluth?  Let's end this thing, then.  Our dainty maiden hasn't long to live on this mortal coil.

  * half-past two.

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16 FANFARE THE DASTARDLY CRIME (BONG) by HOY PING PONG Twas midnight. Hist! Hear the chimes in the village clock boom-forth the witchery hour?: Bong! Bong! Bong! Bong! Bong! Skulking underneath the tower of the little white church in the grove, a dark figure skulked. Now and then he scowled. Ha! Good! No moon. Clouds, movement. If the air ain't moving, there ain't no wind. The air wasn't moving therefore there was no wind. The clouds scudded anyway. They were ambitious clouds. Ahah! Langer afoot! Came tripping daintly down the dark, deserted street-a maiden fair! Blue eyes! Blonde hair . . no, a brunette who used peroxide once too often. She just looks blonde. Anyway, a maiden -- we hope -- came tripping down the street. She fell sprawling. That will teacher her to trip down the street!, we think. Meanwhile, the dark figure skulked. And then--like aflash of avenging doom, there appeared upon the scene--the HERO! The night is saved! So is the maiden, almost. At any rate he came upon the scene. Far away, to be sure (he has just been ejected from the saloon's swinging doors upon the far ende side of town), but at least he is on the same street as our tripping (yes, she is still doing it!) maiden--and--meanwhile, the dark figure skulked. Hist! The long limb of the law! The limb has a trouser leg hiding it. Therefore it is decent. We want nothing decent in this story. So away with the long limb of the law. Scram. Meanwhile, the dark figure skulked. Overhead, a blazing rocketship, headed for some unknown, mysterious, port, lightning across the sky. The rocket ship has nothing whatsoever to do with this story, but it makes it science-fictional, which gets it into this magazine. Also, the blazing rockets provide a sort of illumination for the scene below. One can see the hands on the church clock.* Meanwhile-----the dark figure skulked. Crammba! The plot thickens. Like gravy when flour is added. Yes, the dainty maiden is applying powder to her nose. That's a woman for you! Stops to powder her nose while a dark figure is skulking beneath a church steeple and a hero is being ejected from the saloon for the second time. Gad! How he must like schnapps! The limb of the law is still covered up. How sad. But the dainty limb of the----tripping blonde-brunette isn't covered much. Goody. Paging Cyril Kornbluth! Get Kornbluth on the scene! Yes, that is the thing to do! In almost no time at all, he will have the monster dragging the dainty miss to some mountain top. Once up there, he will stare a fond farewell into her beautiful eyes, and pitch her off the cliff. What an ending! Meanwhile, the dark figure.... ......what! The dark figure IS Kornbluth? Let's end this thing, then. Our dainty maiden hasn't long to live on this mortal coil. * half-past two.