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Fantahash, issue 1, 1940
Page 3
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MEETING GREAT SUCCESS AS USUAL! --by Donald A. Wollheim (Editor's cliche: Any similarity between characters in this tale and any other characters is a coincidence, however remarkable.) "This meeting of the Flushing S.F.L. is declared open." The speaker banged his gavel on the desk hard and glared around. Silence fell heavily over the meeting. Everyone sat bolt upright in their chairs and waited. The speaker, his brow still beetled, strode around in front of his desk and stopped, his arms akimbo, his stance tense. He glared slowly at each fan present. "The Secretary will now call the roll of members", he announced. A heavy-set fellow arose from the smaller desk in the corner and read each name slowly, grating each syllable out between clenched teeth. As he read each name, the person responding to it leapt to his feet, shot his hand into the air and cried out loudly: "I, loyal American fan, am present at this democratic meeting!" So saying, he stood at attention until the Director had nodded abruptly, at which the person would sit down sharply. The roll ran on steadily, until the name of one member was called. After he had risen and announced his presence, the director stared at him sharply. "You were reported near the Phuturian meeting last Sunday. Is this true?" The member turned pale and shouted "No, no! It is a lie! I was not seen near there. I swear it!" The Director glared at him a bit more and then said slowly: "This time we'll take your word. But you'd better see that rumors like that don't happen again! Get me?" "Yes, yes, my true loyal Director, yes, yes!" shouted the relieved member and sat down. After the roll had been called, the Director faced the meeting and commenced to speak. He roared out how great his club was, and how great and terrific All Phandom was. He called down curses on the sneaking bunch of cut-throats and lunatics that were cast out of the great universal club for All Fans. He hammered his fist down and stamped his feet and the floor rocked. After which everybody rose to his feet and cheered the required five minutes and sat down. They then proceeded to the rating of the stories in the last issue of Terrific Tales. At the command of the Director, each member rose and commented favorably on the story assigned to him. At the end of the commentary, the Director roared out for any other opinion. There wasn't until... A member had just finished rating "excellent" the last story of honorary member Bingler. A hand was raised in the back of the room and a little boy got up and said "If it please your Directorship, I don't think that story rated more than a 'very good'." Tense silence fell on the room. From the sides and rear, members of the All Phandom Zealous Members League, who had been standing at attention, started closing in on the boy, who had suddenly turned pale. He started to stammer Fapaper ++ 3
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MEETING GREAT SUCCESS AS USUAL! --by Donald A. Wollheim (Editor's cliche: Any similarity between characters in this tale and any other characters is a coincidence, however remarkable.) "This meeting of the Flushing S.F.L. is declared open." The speaker banged his gavel on the desk hard and glared around. Silence fell heavily over the meeting. Everyone sat bolt upright in their chairs and waited. The speaker, his brow still beetled, strode around in front of his desk and stopped, his arms akimbo, his stance tense. He glared slowly at each fan present. "The Secretary will now call the roll of members", he announced. A heavy-set fellow arose from the smaller desk in the corner and read each name slowly, grating each syllable out between clenched teeth. As he read each name, the person responding to it leapt to his feet, shot his hand into the air and cried out loudly: "I, loyal American fan, am present at this democratic meeting!" So saying, he stood at attention until the Director had nodded abruptly, at which the person would sit down sharply. The roll ran on steadily, until the name of one member was called. After he had risen and announced his presence, the director stared at him sharply. "You were reported near the Phuturian meeting last Sunday. Is this true?" The member turned pale and shouted "No, no! It is a lie! I was not seen near there. I swear it!" The Director glared at him a bit more and then said slowly: "This time we'll take your word. But you'd better see that rumors like that don't happen again! Get me?" "Yes, yes, my true loyal Director, yes, yes!" shouted the relieved member and sat down. After the roll had been called, the Director faced the meeting and commenced to speak. He roared out how great his club was, and how great and terrific All Phandom was. He called down curses on the sneaking bunch of cut-throats and lunatics that were cast out of the great universal club for All Fans. He hammered his fist down and stamped his feet and the floor rocked. After which everybody rose to his feet and cheered the required five minutes and sat down. They then proceeded to the rating of the stories in the last issue of Terrific Tales. At the command of the Director, each member rose and commented favorably on the story assigned to him. At the end of the commentary, the Director roared out for any other opinion. There wasn't until... A member had just finished rating "excellent" the last story of honorary member Bingler. A hand was raised in the back of the room and a little boy got up and said "If it please your Directorship, I don't think that story rated more than a 'very good'." Tense silence fell on the room. From the sides and rear, members of the All Phandom Zealous Members League, who had been standing at attention, started closing in on the boy, who had suddenly turned pale. He started to stammer Fapaper ++ 3
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