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Science Fiction Savant, issue 5, Summer 1946
Page 6
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[illegible] "C----C---- Certainly, h--- h--- here, have one, Mr. ----er -----er ----er." If you'll pardon my impoliteness for not using quotation marks, you see I'm the author and well it was my own fault, but I guess I just forgot to ask this character his name so pardon me a moment while I inquire--- I say there fellow, what is your name--- the little green man eyed me intently, then spoke: "It's people like this jerk Droopwater and authors like you who cause a lot of trouble---" At this point I simply had to ask him what his name was. He again drew himself to his full size and proudly expounded--- "I am Droprun Dripdrudge, and I represent the Associated Letters, Numerals, and Short Hand Symbols of the Universe----" I'm very sorry to have to close his quotation marks, but he was getting to the personal stage. New let me pick up the story--- let me see--- no that's not the line---AH! Here it is---well, Mr. Droprun had just confronted Mr. Drudgewater--er--er Dredgewater. "I, Mr. Droopwater," continued Mr. Dripdrudge, "am a personal representative of the Associated Letters, Numerals, and Short-Hand Symbols of the Universe. We've been knocked around and shoved into all kinds of messes for thousands of years, the letters have been put into so many impossible combinations that it's not even funny. After all, don't you think we get tired of having ourselves shaped into such words as Antidisestablishmentism, and the like. Also, we numbers are getting fagged out." "Why?" inquired Dredgewater. "Why!" exploded Dripdrudge. "Have you ever been juggled around and forced into such combinations as 256, 343, 768,000,000,000?" "Well---ll--ll no---oo---oo." "All right then, shut up and listen to a guy who knows." Mr. Blankenmount Percevil Dredgewater's mouth hung open, exposing his beautiful tonsils. "Close your mouth," ordered Dripdrudge. "You look like a fish." Dripdrudge looked at Dredgewater, who closed his mouth with such rapidity that it jarred his teeth, and knocked out a few fillings, which he consequently swallowed. "Look here, you pre-fermented jug of apple cider---" That was as far as he got with his insult; Dripdrudge leaned over his victim and spoke in a rather threatening voice. "Listen, you sacrelige to all forms of Letters, Numerals, and Short Hand Symbols of the Universe, either you take some of those stinking love stories off the market along with those broken down text books, or we'll fix you. Mr. Dripdrudge would have gone on for hours, if the telephone hadn't interrupted him. The bewildered businessman answered the phone, he handed it to Dripdrudge with a rather disgust in his manner. "It's for you." "Don't sound so disgusted Droopwater." He then took the phone in his small hand and conversed in a run-together manner. He hung up, then stood in the middle of the floor and scowled at the adding machine magnet. "I warned you, you penny pinching jerk! Ups, what have I said? I must never use that word again, jerk, after all one must not use profanity; however I've warned you, now you've gone and published a book on how to make out your income tax. We of the Associated Letters, Numerals, and Short
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[illegible] "C----C---- Certainly, h--- h--- here, have one, Mr. ----er -----er ----er." If you'll pardon my impoliteness for not using quotation marks, you see I'm the author and well it was my own fault, but I guess I just forgot to ask this character his name so pardon me a moment while I inquire--- I say there fellow, what is your name--- the little green man eyed me intently, then spoke: "It's people like this jerk Droopwater and authors like you who cause a lot of trouble---" At this point I simply had to ask him what his name was. He again drew himself to his full size and proudly expounded--- "I am Droprun Dripdrudge, and I represent the Associated Letters, Numerals, and Short Hand Symbols of the Universe----" I'm very sorry to have to close his quotation marks, but he was getting to the personal stage. New let me pick up the story--- let me see--- no that's not the line---AH! Here it is---well, Mr. Droprun had just confronted Mr. Drudgewater--er--er Dredgewater. "I, Mr. Droopwater," continued Mr. Dripdrudge, "am a personal representative of the Associated Letters, Numerals, and Short-Hand Symbols of the Universe. We've been knocked around and shoved into all kinds of messes for thousands of years, the letters have been put into so many impossible combinations that it's not even funny. After all, don't you think we get tired of having ourselves shaped into such words as Antidisestablishmentism, and the like. Also, we numbers are getting fagged out." "Why?" inquired Dredgewater. "Why!" exploded Dripdrudge. "Have you ever been juggled around and forced into such combinations as 256, 343, 768,000,000,000?" "Well---ll--ll no---oo---oo." "All right then, shut up and listen to a guy who knows." Mr. Blankenmount Percevil Dredgewater's mouth hung open, exposing his beautiful tonsils. "Close your mouth," ordered Dripdrudge. "You look like a fish." Dripdrudge looked at Dredgewater, who closed his mouth with such rapidity that it jarred his teeth, and knocked out a few fillings, which he consequently swallowed. "Look here, you pre-fermented jug of apple cider---" That was as far as he got with his insult; Dripdrudge leaned over his victim and spoke in a rather threatening voice. "Listen, you sacrelige to all forms of Letters, Numerals, and Short Hand Symbols of the Universe, either you take some of those stinking love stories off the market along with those broken down text books, or we'll fix you. Mr. Dripdrudge would have gone on for hours, if the telephone hadn't interrupted him. The bewildered businessman answered the phone, he handed it to Dripdrudge with a rather disgust in his manner. "It's for you." "Don't sound so disgusted Droopwater." He then took the phone in his small hand and conversed in a run-together manner. He hung up, then stood in the middle of the floor and scowled at the adding machine magnet. "I warned you, you penny pinching jerk! Ups, what have I said? I must never use that word again, jerk, after all one must not use profanity; however I've warned you, now you've gone and published a book on how to make out your income tax. We of the Associated Letters, Numerals, and Short
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