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Ain't I A Woman? newspapers, June 1970-July 1971

1970-11-20 "Ain't I a Woman?" Page 7

Grinnell Personal Rx
I went to Grinnell after going through a fairly traumatic week. The woman that I am having my first lesbian relationship with finally came down on  me for all my insensitivities and told me how much I had been hurting her. In essence I had refused to see how different her experiences were from mine. She has been angry for a long time, and I just recently came out. The entire week I had been trying to deal with all the things she told me. When I went to Grinnell our relationship was foremost on my mind.

At Grinnell the workshop that was the heaviest for me was the first lesbian workshop. I heard a sister from Bloomington say with anger how she was tired of always dealing with the problems of lesbianism in light of women who have become lesbians. She said that Women's Liberation had somehow forgotten that the people who had been lesbians for a long time also have problems. She came across very strong with all her demands that gay women in Women's Liberation recognize their different experiences and accept what gay sisters have to say as being valid and unquestionable, because of different experiences. Because I had been thinking about this all week, what this sister said really hit home.

I think the results of this discussion were really tremendous. First, all of us started thinking in terms of how all gay women are different. Also, I think for the gay women who have been angry about many things that Women's Liberation has put on them, it was a time to get together. The result was that in the second workshop they were wonderfully together. It seems that many things WLF (at least here in Iowa City) has been doing will be changed. However, I saw one potentially bad thing. This was pegging people with labels. If anything, I think the lesbian workshops should have reinforced the fact that we are all individuals and all of our experiences must be recognized as such. It will be very destructive if we see that the sister from Bloomington said, as just a call for one more category. Categories do nothing but divide us and build up false dichotomies. It is when we look at problems in categories that we see no hope for the splits between straight and not-quite-straight, married and single, gay and straight, not-quite-gay and straight, and not-quite-gay and gay. Like we always say in the consciousness-raising groups - we are all sisters, and we all have individual experiences.

Other thoughts about Grinnell should include how much I liked the Saturday night all-womens dance, how I met some really beautiful sisters that I can't wait to see again, how much I hate people talking down, or telling us where its at, and what a fantastic experience it is to cut hair. Also, I came away really afraid of the hassle that I can foresee with the anti-imperialism shit. I'm very much concerned about how I am going to be placed in the position of defending a women's liberation movement for women only. 

   Having only attended the workshops, I can only comment on that part of the conference. Generally, I thought the workshops were too big. Also it was bad that women were put in the position of "leading" workshops. Until we have better ways of providing resource information where people don't lecture or dominate the discussion, we should avoid putting ourselves in that position. Perhaps an alternative would be to write some suggested discussion topics and make them available before the discussion. 
   One of the two workshops on child care was very good. There was a fairly good exchange of practical experiences and ideas about child care as a revolutionary or reformist demand. Near the end of the workshop we started to get into some issues that we must begin to look at more closely. How can we organize women involved in child care centers? The place of males in child care work and in decision-making. The concept of child care centers controlled by females only. Just as we began to discuss some of these issues the workshop was over. We had planned to meet again at the second workshop on child care, but we ended up with a completely different group of people (except the Iowa City Day Care Collective). The second workshop was bad. We were all fairly exhausted and the Iowa City people put ourselves in the "teacher" position. We talked almost the whole time about our situation. and problems in Iowa City. We were so tired, we were saying things we don't even believe. We realized through the discussions that it would be beneficial to get together with other women who are involved in child care to discuss the problems and issues we are dealing with in child care. 

   To me, being involved with a man and in WLF, no matter how liberated your relationship is, (unmarried &/or equalitarian, is somewhat of a contradiction. This seemed to be the painful message given in at least one of the Marriage and the Institution of Sexual Intercourse workshops. Trying to unintellectualize marriage, and deal with it on a personal basis other than "we've got a groovy relationship" or "we've got a shitty relationship" is really hard.
   The reasons why we find ourselves almost incapable of it are varied. "Married" women feel that any problems only involve themselves and their man, and thats where they can be discussed in any real way.
   There has also been the feeling that WLF wasn't interested in these problems, (often shown when a married woman, new to the group, wonders if she is welcome). But that happens for some good reasons. 

[photo]

It's hard not to get into patching up marriages that perhaps shouldn't be put back together. But this doesn't mean that WLF shouldn't be interested in any women's problems.
   We must make married women feel welcome, as we must make all women welcome. And those of us involved with men, or "married" must quit intellectualizing it, and try to understand the effects of that relationship on our work and on our sisters.

   It is difficult for me to write my reaction to the Grinnell conference because it left me with a lot of mixed feelings on a lot of subjects, none of which I can tie together. I feel as if suddenly I don't have a handle on anything and there is so much I don't understand. Usually I think I have a pretty good understanding of stuff even though I don't know what to do. But I feel shaken now and unsure of the correctness of my thoughts.
   There were so many women there with a million different things on their minds, so no one really seemed to get to talk about what they wanted to. Nor was there the feeling of sisterhood or acceptance I have felt before at conferences. Everyone seemed defensive. The gay sisters were very strong and together but I felt a real division between gay and straight which left me dangling in the middle. This was the heaviest thing for me that weekend. The other great concern I am left with is racism.
   I have only recently acknowledging my gayness. Not because of any recent sexual experience but first through realizing the feelings I have for other women and the primacy women hold in my life. Second by looking backward and admitting what I have experienced and felt. By admitting the painfulness involved in relationships I had with women when these relationships were given no legitimacy. It is the second process that has been very painful.
   I decided to go to the Lesbianism workshop at the conference and although the first workshop was closed to only gay women my sisters and I kept joking about my going--that for me they'd make a deal. It was important for me to not have to hassle with straight sisters. I need my experiences affirmed and straight sisters always seem to question the validity or political importance of my experiences and I don't find that helpful at all and difficult to take. Before the workshop when some of us were joking about why I was going, I said that I was going because I was gay. I was so shocked at how hard it was for me to say that.
   At the workshop everyone had many different experiences and those women who have been gay for a long time resented having to be constantly concerned with how they relate to straight women and whether they threaten them or not and there seemed quite a division between those women who came out through WL and those who were leading gay lives before WL. I really felt that there was validity in what the gay sisters said but I felt really torn, unable to talk on this subject to straight women and not really legitimately gay. 
   Women are of prime concern to me and I am critical of any revolutionary groups when they are sexist but I am afraid that my criticism of third world revolutionary groups could become racist or that criticisms that WL as a whole has can turn to be racist. I don't think my concern is uncalled for cause just as I didn't know at one time that what I said to gay women was sexist I may not even know consciously whether I am being racist or not and I am very worried about it. I hate to think I would have to make the choice of fighting for WL and being racist or compromising women.

a woman?   20 November, 1970     7

Saving...

Grinnell Personal Rx I went to Grinnell after going through a fairly traumatic week. The woman that I am having my first lesbian relationship with finally came down on me for all my insensitivities and told me how much I had been hurting her. In essence I had refused to see how different her experiences were from mine. She has been angry for a long time, and I just recently came out. The entire week I had been trying to deal with all the things she told me. When I went to Grinnell our relationship was foremost on my mind. At Grinnell the workshop that was the heaviest for me was the first lesbian workshop. I heard a sister from Bloomington say with anger how she was tired of always dealing with the problems of lesbianism in light of women who have become lesbians. She said that Women's Liberation had somehow forgotten that the people who had been lesbians for a long time also have problems. She came across very strong with all her demands that gay women in Women's Liberation recognize their different experiences and accept what gay sisters have to say as being valid and unquestionable, because of different experiences. Because I had been thinking about this all week, what this sister said really hit home. I think the results of this discussion were really tremendous. First, all of us started thinking in terms of how all gay women are different. Also, I think for the gay women who have been angry about many things that Women's Liberation has put on them, it was a time to get together. The result was that in the second workshop they were wonderfully together. It seems that many things WLF (at least here in Iowa City) has been doing will be changed. However, I saw one potentially bad thing. This was pegging people with labels. If anything, I think the lesbian workshops should have reinforced the fact that we are all individuals and all of our experiences must be recognized as such. It will be very destructive if we see that the sister from Bloomington said, as just a call for one more category. Categories do nothing but divide us and build up false dichotomies. It is when we look at problems in categories that we see no hope for the splits between straight and not-quite-straight, married and single, gay and straight, not-quite-gay and straight, and not-quite-gay and gay. Like we always say in the consciousness-raising groups - we are all sisters, and we all have individual experiences. Other thoughts about Grinnell should include how much I liked the Saturday night all-womens dance, how I met some really beautiful sisters that I can't wait to see again, how much I hate people talking down, or telling us where its at, and what a fantastic experience it is to cut hair. Also, I came away really afraid of the hassle that I can foresee with the anti-imperialism shit. I'm very much concerned about how I am going to be placed in the position of defending a women's liberation movement for women only. Having only attended the workshops, I can only comment on that part of the conference. Generally, I thought the workshops were too big. Also it was bad that women were put in the position of "leading" workshops. Until we have better ways of providing resource information where people don't lecture or dominate the discussion, we should avoid putting ourselves in that position. Perhaps an alternative would be to write some suggested discussion topics and make them available before the discussion. One of the two workshops on child care was very good. There was a fairly good exchange of practical experiences and ideas about child care as a revolutionary or reformist demand. Near the end of the workshop we started to get into some issues that we must begin to look at more closely. How can we organize women involved in child care centers? The place of males in child care work and in decision-making. The concept of child care centers controlled by females only. Just as we began to discuss some of these issues the workshop was over. We had planned to meet again at the second workshop on child care, but we ended up with a completely different group of people (except the Iowa City Day Care Collective). The second workshop was bad. We were all fairly exhausted and the Iowa City people put ourselves in the "teacher" position. We talked almost the whole time about our situation. and problems in Iowa City. We were so tired, we were saying things we don't even believe. We realized through the discussions that it would be beneficial to get together with other women who are involved in child care to discuss the problems and issues we are dealing with in child care. To me, being involved with a man and in WLF, no matter how liberated your relationship is, (unmarried &/or equalitarian, is somewhat of a contradiction. This seemed to be the painful message given in at least one of the Marriage and the Institution of Sexual Intercourse workshops. Trying to unintellectualize marriage, and deal with it on a personal basis other than "we've got a groovy relationship" or "we've got a shitty relationship" is really hard. The reasons why we find ourselves almost incapable of it are varied. "Married" women feel that any problems only involve themselves and their man, and thats where they can be discussed in any real way. There has also been the feeling that WLF wasn't interested in these problems, (often shown when a married woman, new to the group, wonders if she is welcome). But that happens for some good reasons. [photo] It's hard not to get into patching up marriages that perhaps shouldn't be put back together. But this doesn't mean that WLF shouldn't be interested in any women's problems. We must make married women feel welcome, as we must make all women welcome. And those of us involved with men, or "married" must quit intellectualizing it, and try to understand the effects of that relationship on our work and on our sisters. It is difficult for me to write my reaction to the Grinnell conference because it left me with a lot of mixed feelings on a lot of subjects, none of which I can tie together. I feel as if suddenly I don't have a handle on anything and there is so much I don't understand. Usually I think I have a pretty good understanding of stuff even though I don't know what to do. But I feel shaken now and unsure of the correctness of my thoughts. There were so many women there with a million different things on their minds, so no one really seemed to get to talk about what they wanted to. Nor was there the feeling of sisterhood or acceptance I have felt before at conferences. Everyone seemed defensive. The gay sisters were very strong and together but I felt a real division between gay and straight which left me dangling in the middle. This was the heaviest thing for me that weekend. The other great concern I am left with is racism. I have only recently acknowledging my gayness. Not because of any recent sexual experience but first through realizing the feelings I have for other women and the primacy women hold in my life. Second by looking backward and admitting what I have experienced and felt. By admitting the painfulness involved in relationships I had with women when these relationships were given no legitimacy. It is the second process that has been very painful. I decided to go to the Lesbianism workshop at the conference and although the first workshop was closed to only gay women my sisters and I kept joking about my going--that for me they'd make a deal. It was important for me to not have to hassle with straight sisters. I need my experiences affirmed and straight sisters always seem to question the validity or political importance of my experiences and I don't find that helpful at all and difficult to take. Before the workshop when some of us were joking about why I was going, I said that I was going because I was gay. I was so shocked at how hard it was for me to say that. At the workshop everyone had many different experiences and those women who have been gay for a long time resented having to be constantly concerned with how they relate to straight women and whether they threaten them or not and there seemed quite a division between those women who came out through WL and those who were leading gay lives before WL. I really felt that there was validity in what the gay sisters said but I felt really torn, unable to talk on this subject to straight women and not really legitimately gay. Women are of prime concern to me and I am critical of any revolutionary groups when they are sexist but I am afraid that my criticism of third world revolutionary groups could become racist or that criticisms that WL as a whole has can turn to be racist. I don't think my concern is uncalled for cause just as I didn't know at one time that what I said to gay women was sexist I may not even know consciously whether I am being racist or not and I am very worried about it. I hate to think I would have to make the choice of fighting for WL and being racist or compromising women. a woman? 20 November, 1970 7