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Ain't I A Woman? newspapers, June 1970-July 1971

1971-04-02 "Ain't I a Woman?" Page 6

ON LOVIN 

Since I have been "dealing" so well and so fast with so many ideas that grow within liberation, I felt that it would be easy to write an article for AIN'T I A WOMAN on the woman identified woman in relation to myself. 
It's been a week since I first began to mull over my "assignment." During the week, I talked with gay and straight women, discovering that I have not dealt so well and so fast with this particular aspect of myself. The fact that I consider a part of me as gay does signify, at least, an acceptance of my bisexuality. I do not want to reject it. But, I am not yet sure how to handle the acceptance. I have many fears about homosexuality that I am still unable to articulate, especially to gay women. 
I am not sure what a gay woman expects of me . I have felt during certain conversations that I cannot be fully accepted unless I am gay; that my politics are insincere because my life still includes men. And yet, there is a gay woman who had taught me to separate myself from the man and learn acceptance without him. This woman has not asked anything of me except that I be integrous to my own self. I love this woman and in this way I can feel my gayness.
Whether or not I will ever relate in a physically intimate way to a woman remains to be seen. At present, I have such strong feelings for so many new women-- a vitality runs through me; and if this feeling is sexual at its core, then I am glad. I find myself relating to individuals and not to stereotypes of gay women. Perhaps my intellectual gayness will bring me to a physical relationship because politically I find males being discriminated out of my life. Tomorrow is insecure. 
My doubts have stemmed from the fear that the "homosexual world" will be very much like the "heterosexual world" in which I live. I have experienced "male oppressiveness" in women and maybe that is because all of the "pigshit" is hard to eradicate and all of us tend to rely on the roles that society gives us or tries to keep from us instead of the people that we really are. I can emphatize with that but I cannot handle it because that pigshit is what caused me the pain in the first place. 
I am also influenced by the beautiful relationships. I see that gay alliances do not necessarily hinder other alliances. I love a woman who is involved in a gay relationship and yet I find more love than I thought possible returned. And I, in turn, feel no possessiveness towards her. It is so liberating to like the responses that come out of one's self. 
I have other positive feelings about gay women. They seem to examine their motives and feelings more closely than heterosexual couples. After all, there's more at stake. There isn't any institution such as marriage to fall back into where one can always act as one is "expected" to. 
Finally, because gay women seem to trust each other in important ways, I, too, have learned to trust women. Such strength. I have cleared more shit out of my head that I had filtered through a man's mind than seems possible. Because I have a clearer sense of where I'm going I have come to understand the power of patience. In the future I may meet a woman with whom I may learn to be gay through the love I have learned to give and accept on the basis of that specific individual. 
And I guess that's where I am right now -- whether heterosexual or homosexual, I am searching for an honest, intense, important relationship. This union may be with a woman because she is a woman and has my consciousness within her as I have hers in me.
What I fear is being rushed. I have come so far so fast that I must give myself the time that such heavy thinking and feeling requires in order to make it real and not just a novelty. I don't want being gay to become something I do because it's "right on."
Thank you, beautiful sisters, for your support. I am beginning to share your sorrow and your joy and perhaps someday your touch.

[hand drawing to right of woman & flowers] 

[hand drawing to left of woman with tree & flowers]

Undiscovered,
every sentence
your mouth eats
escapes
into itself.
You give me nothing 
to hold
in my hand
but my fist opens 
with the pressure 
of you. 
Every second 
is victimized 
by possibility.

I speak with certainty
yet I am humbled
by ineffable acceptance
of your body; your words, 
sharp swift flak
of intangible flesh startle 
me as your body 
does not. 

I push at walls 
straining with 
transparent joy:
I like that in myself. 
The wisdom: you 
are friend, secret lover,
enough as one, 
maybe two. 

How do you feel 
reveal her homose
thought was "At la
relief," for we'd
topic, both in som
months or more.
My second thoug
mind at ease becau
this was for her t
for this conversat
we would have late
room, lying on sep
from each other.)
there's nothing in 
that would make me
is not exactly dea
ity. (And since w
have for friends d
for God's sake?)
avoided; that conf
myself. What is h 
feel about it? Ho
relationship? How
didn't talk about 
afraid to.
We didn't see e
cause Carrie went 
that summer we de
the dorm the next 
brother for me for a nu
never felt physica
I knew she wasn't 
the time, in my us
to graduate in Feb
tant, I loved and 
In other words,
nice quiet semest
friend who just ha
cally to owmen. W
The big deal wa
of school she fell 
my whole world jus

Page Six, Vol. 1 No. 14, Ain't I  a

Saving...

ON LOVIN Since I have been "dealing" so well and so fast with so many ideas that grow within liberation, I felt that it would be easy to write an article for AIN'T I A WOMAN on the woman identified woman in relation to myself. It's been a week since I first began to mull over my "assignment." During the week, I talked with gay and straight women, discovering that I have not dealt so well and so fast with this particular aspect of myself. The fact that I consider a part of me as gay does signify, at least, an acceptance of my bisexuality. I do not want to reject it. But, I am not yet sure how to handle the acceptance. I have many fears about homosexuality that I am still unable to articulate, especially to gay women. I am not sure what a gay woman expects of me . I have felt during certain conversations that I cannot be fully accepted unless I am gay; that my politics are insincere because my life still includes men. And yet, there is a gay woman who had taught me to separate myself from the man and learn acceptance without him. This woman has not asked anything of me except that I be integrous to my own self. I love this woman and in this way I can feel my gayness. Whether or not I will ever relate in a physically intimate way to a woman remains to be seen. At present, I have such strong feelings for so many new women-- a vitality runs through me; and if this feeling is sexual at its core, then I am glad. I find myself relating to individuals and not to stereotypes of gay women. Perhaps my intellectual gayness will bring me to a physical relationship because politically I find males being discriminated out of my life. Tomorrow is insecure. My doubts have stemmed from the fear that the "homosexual world" will be very much like the "heterosexual world" in which I live. I have experienced "male oppressiveness" in women and maybe that is because all of the "pigshit" is hard to eradicate and all of us tend to rely on the roles that society gives us or tries to keep from us instead of the people that we really are. I can emphatize with that but I cannot handle it because that pigshit is what caused me the pain in the first place. I am also influenced by the beautiful relationships. I see that gay alliances do not necessarily hinder other alliances. I love a woman who is involved in a gay relationship and yet I find more love than I thought possible returned. And I, in turn, feel no possessiveness towards her. It is so liberating to like the responses that come out of one's self. I have other positive feelings about gay women. They seem to examine their motives and feelings more closely than heterosexual couples. After all, there's more at stake. There isn't any institution such as marriage to fall back into where one can always act as one is "expected" to. Finally, because gay women seem to trust each other in important ways, I, too, have learned to trust women. Such strength. I have cleared more shit out of my head that I had filtered through a man's mind than seems possible. Because I have a clearer sense of where I'm going I have come to understand the power of patience. In the future I may meet a woman with whom I may learn to be gay through the love I have learned to give and accept on the basis of that specific individual. And I guess that's where I am right now -- whether heterosexual or homosexual, I am searching for an honest, intense, important relationship. This union may be with a woman because she is a woman and has my consciousness within her as I have hers in me. What I fear is being rushed. I have come so far so fast that I must give myself the time that such heavy thinking and feeling requires in order to make it real and not just a novelty. I don't want being gay to become something I do because it's "right on." Thank you, beautiful sisters, for your support. I am beginning to share your sorrow and your joy and perhaps someday your touch. [hand drawing to right of woman & flowers] [hand drawing to left of woman with tree & flowers] Undiscovered, every sentence your mouth eats escapes into itself. You give me nothing to hold in my hand but my fist opens with the pressure of you. Every second is victimized by possibility. I speak with certainty yet I am humbled by ineffable acceptance of your body; your words, sharp swift flak of intangible flesh startle me as your body does not. I push at walls straining with transparent joy: I like that in myself. The wisdom: you are friend, secret lover, enough as one, maybe two. How do you feel reveal her homose thought was "At la relief," for we'd topic, both in som months or more. My second thoug mind at ease becau this was for her t for this conversat we would have late room, lying on sep from each other.) there's nothing in that would make me is not exactly dea ity. (And since w have for friends d for God's sake?) avoided; that conf myself. What is h feel about it? Ho relationship? How didn't talk about afraid to. We didn't see e cause Carrie went that summer we de the dorm the next brother for me for a nu never felt physica I knew she wasn't the time, in my us to graduate in Feb tant, I loved and In other words, nice quiet semest friend who just ha cally to owmen. W The big deal wa of school she fell my whole world jus Page Six, Vol. 1 No. 14, Ain't I a