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Fantasia, v. 1, issue 3, July 1941

Page 20

20
FANTASIA

"The jernt's unionized," he pointed out. "Ghouls, vampires, nameless-horrors, slithering-somethings, bloody fiends, everything...all strictly 100% awganized. And this one's a Corpse-Disposer (Local #14); cleans up after the Ghouls (Local #119). But they're fresh out of corpses tonight, so the union sent up a Flotsam-Flinger to flip flapjecks for the old duffer to collect..."

A piercing shriek out short his words. A distracted young man rushed up to them. He was tall, bronzed, handsome as a Greek God. But he was distracted...

"Have you seen her?" he husked, making undulatory motions with his hands. "When I held her to me, my heart was dust, and the hot blood pounded wildly in my temples. I felt the soft white curve of her back beneath my fingers. Her breath was a moist inferno..."

"Gee!" grunted the ManInTheBlueTopper. "A Marvel Tales reader! I didn't think any were left...G'wan, scram!" he snarled. The distracted young man scrammed.

"What d'you think of TWS, Startling, and Cap Future?" asked the dim shape.

"Wump!" shouted a centipede, rushing by holding high a flaming goboon. "Wump!"

"I agree with you..." remarked the ManInTheBlueTopper absently, "But about that report of yours..."

"Rather astounding how good FFM is," the other hedged. "Wish it came out more frequently."

"Stirring Science is right on top, too," observed the ManInTheBlueTopper. "It's that fantasy-section that does it, so say some..."

"And Bok, of course," suggested a three-eyed demon, threatening with a three-tine pitchfork.

"Of course," shuddered the ManInTheBlueTopper. "Now about that report..."

"I'm pleased to report that Future Fiction is readable in part; I regret to report the placid mediocrity of Planet and Comet, the asininity of S-F Quarterly, & the phinegeling of Dr. Phlub," the shady presence said evasively.

"Listen!" shrieked a long-haired ghoul, running up to them. "My poetry: Blaster Bill was a bitter pill and Nelson's mill is grinding swill that's fit to kill -- I've had my fill..." He was wafted away on a 90 m.p.j. zephyr from the electric fan.

"Come, come," the ManInTheBlueTopper chided. "The report, please..."

The foggy fellow produced an ancient, crackling parchment. "By the way," he confided, "isn't Amazing improving by leaps and capers?"

"What!" hollered the ManInTheBlueTopper. "You're no federal agent if you read Amazing! You're a fake!" He ripped the parchment away and pulled the dim figure into the light. Migodalmighty! It was the flambouyant Dr. Phlub!

"Haaaa!" driveled the Doc. "Got you, bub! Hand back that report! Then you die in a tank of bromo-seltzer!" 

"No you don't!" snapped the ManInTheBlueTopper. He blew on his harmonica, and instantly twenty thousand National Guardsmen smashed down he rotting walls of the sacreligious citadel. Bugles tootled, and the nefarious Dr. Phlub was promptly spitted on the end of a sawtooth bayonet.

"Well done, m'lad," said General Drumsticks, pinning a double-cross on the ManInTheBlueTopper. "You can give that report to me...Harr-rumpf...Splrfsk…"

"Yessir," responded the ManInTheBlueTopper with justifiable pride. He turned over the parchment, and quickly mixed a Land-Mine Cocktail, which he presented to the General, while the Boys In Blue mopped up ghoulies & ghosties & queer-legged beastys with flame-throwers and stink-bombs. Zooming through the Heaviside Layer, General Drumsticks observed: "This report must be decoded...Kaff-kaff….Fap...Egad..."

By fast rocket-plane the report was rushed to Cohen's Corner Hocke Shoppe where Uncle Louie went to work with a magnifying glass. Ten hours later, with public and press champing at the bit, the contents of the document were released to the world.

"By unanimous vote," the historic message ran, "Fantasia's July award for the outstanding story of the past quarter goes to Robert A. Heinlein for his Universe in the June Astounding. Will Kunnel Kampbell kindly ko-operate?"

Saving...

20 FANTASIA "The jernt's unionized," he pointed out. "Ghouls, vampires, nameless-horrors, slithering-somethings, bloody fiends, everything...all strictly 100% awganized. And this one's a Corpse-Disposer (Local #14); cleans up after the Ghouls (Local #119). But they're fresh out of corpses tonight, so the union sent up a Flotsam-Flinger to flip flapjecks for the old duffer to collect..." A piercing shriek out short his words. A distracted young man rushed up to them. He was tall, bronzed, handsome as a Greek God. But he was distracted... "Have you seen her?" he husked, making undulatory motions with his hands. "When I held her to me, my heart was dust, and the hot blood pounded wildly in my temples. I felt the soft white curve of her back beneath my fingers. Her breath was a moist inferno..." "Gee!" grunted the ManInTheBlueTopper. "A Marvel Tales reader! I didn't think any were left...G'wan, scram!" he snarled. The distracted young man scrammed. "What d'you think of TWS, Startling, and Cap Future?" asked the dim shape. "Wump!" shouted a centipede, rushing by holding high a flaming goboon. "Wump!" "I agree with you..." remarked the ManInTheBlueTopper absently, "But about that report of yours..." "Rather astounding how good FFM is," the other hedged. "Wish it came out more frequently." "Stirring Science is right on top, too," observed the ManInTheBlueTopper. "It's that fantasy-section that does it, so say some..." "And Bok, of course," suggested a three-eyed demon, threatening with a three-tine pitchfork. "Of course," shuddered the ManInTheBlueTopper. "Now about that report..." "I'm pleased to report that Future Fiction is readable in part; I regret to report the placid mediocrity of Planet and Comet, the asininity of S-F Quarterly, & the phinegeling of Dr. Phlub," the shady presence said evasively. "Listen!" shrieked a long-haired ghoul, running up to them. "My poetry: Blaster Bill was a bitter pill and Nelson's mill is grinding swill that's fit to kill -- I've had my fill..." He was wafted away on a 90 m.p.j. zephyr from the electric fan. "Come, come," the ManInTheBlueTopper chided. "The report, please..." The foggy fellow produced an ancient, crackling parchment. "By the way," he confided, "isn't Amazing improving by leaps and capers?" "What!" hollered the ManInTheBlueTopper. "You're no federal agent if you read Amazing! You're a fake!" He ripped the parchment away and pulled the dim figure into the light. Migodalmighty! It was the flambouyant Dr. Phlub! "Haaaa!" driveled the Doc. "Got you, bub! Hand back that report! Then you die in a tank of bromo-seltzer!" "No you don't!" snapped the ManInTheBlueTopper. He blew on his harmonica, and instantly twenty thousand National Guardsmen smashed down he rotting walls of the sacreligious citadel. Bugles tootled, and the nefarious Dr. Phlub was promptly spitted on the end of a sawtooth bayonet. "Well done, m'lad," said General Drumsticks, pinning a double-cross on the ManInTheBlueTopper. "You can give that report to me...Harr-rumpf...Splrfsk…" "Yessir," responded the ManInTheBlueTopper with justifiable pride. He turned over the parchment, and quickly mixed a Land-Mine Cocktail, which he presented to the General, while the Boys In Blue mopped up ghoulies & ghosties & queer-legged beastys with flame-throwers and stink-bombs. Zooming through the Heaviside Layer, General Drumsticks observed: "This report must be decoded...Kaff-kaff….Fap...Egad..." By fast rocket-plane the report was rushed to Cohen's Corner Hocke Shoppe where Uncle Louie went to work with a magnifying glass. Ten hours later, with public and press champing at the bit, the contents of the document were released to the world. "By unanimous vote," the historic message ran, "Fantasia's July award for the outstanding story of the past quarter goes to Robert A. Heinlein for his Universe in the June Astounding. Will Kunnel Kampbell kindly ko-operate?"