DIY History | Transcribe | Hevelin Fanzines | Wudgy Tales, October-November 1943

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Wudgy Tales, October-November 1943

Page 6

"Great!" said Margulies, as he lit a match on a new Campbell serial. "How about Binder, gentlemen? Binder...Binder!"
"Bind who?" asked Beckworth. "Oh...yes, yes...Eando Binder. Only one Binder story today. He's failing us--used to have four or five in the mail every morning."
"But I don't mail them anymore," said a voice from the door. "I bring them to the office, like I'm doing now. It saves postage."
With that Eando Binder crossed the room and laid a stack of some 2000 sheets of paper on the editorial desk. "My latest serial," he said.
"But the sheets are all blank," said Margulies.
"Oh, shucks," sighed Binder. "I knew I forgot to replace that old ribbon." He gathered up the paper and departed.
"Continue," bellowed Margulies. "Let's hear the opening lines of that new Fearn story."
Worthbeck arose and commenced reading: "The hero jerked out his ray gun and peppered the oncoming Martians. Then he saw out of the corner of his eye the aged Professor Whomp struggling a mighty dinosaur bug. Just at that time the villain's ray gun spat and two Earthmen bit the dust. Splat! Splat! The hero fired twice. Down went three Martians."
"Halt!" said Margulies, "that's terrible--only five men killed in the first paragraph. Remember, men: 75 per cent of the characters must die in a Thrilling Wonder Story!"
"Concerning the manuscripts the messenger just brought in," mused Fitzwilly. "There are three Kummer stories hot from the typewriter. However, one is by F.A. Kummer, Sr., and another by F. A. Kummer, Junior."
"So what!" argued Margulies, "buy them. Buy them, I say!"
"But the third story," continued Fitzwilly, "is by F.A. Kummer, age three."
"Read it", commanded Margulies
"The space ship departed from Earth in a sizzling streak of flame. Da-da glub goo down in a meddy in a itty bitty poo gurgle gurgle splud."
"Excellent!" cried Margulies. "Buy it...the fellow may be another Weinbaum."
With that he leaned back in his chair, and using page 499 of a new Skylark story for a torch, ignited his cigar. "Shall we have lunch sent up today, gentlemen?" At their assent he pressed a button and a plate of sandwiches was brought in by a robot. Since Margulies himself was the inventor of the mechanical man, it waited patiently for tips.
"What!" said Fuddyduddy, "no lettuce in my sandwich!"
"None of the sandwiches have lettuce," said Blidgekins. "There must be a shortage of the stuff."
"I'll fix that," said Margulies. "Wire our staff authors immediately," he told the robot. "Tell them that we'll pay two cents a word for stories written on heads of lettuce."
With that the editorial board went about eating its lunch, using the pages of a Coblentz novel for napkins.
"Continue!" bellowed Margulies, spitting crumbs all over the table. "Let's hear one of Kuttner's yarns!"
Beckworth rose, wiping his mouth on A. Merritt's latest opus. He read: "Cluckbottom was going to destroy the Earth. Humanity had reached the breaking point. Something had to be done, so Cluckbottom was going to destroy the Earth."
"Good!" said Margulies. "Note the extreme sense of plot Kuttner possesses! Brilliant writing, indeed!"
"I say," interrupted Fitzwilly, "I should like to mention that a previously undiscovered Jules Verne novel was found in France recently. I suggest we purchase publication rights immediately."
"Yes, that Kuttner is marvelous!" exclaimed Margulies. "Go on, Beckworth. Don't stop there."
Beckworth continued. "Our hero held Cluckbottom within the mighty grasp, but soon his aching muscle could bear the torture of the Zilch-ray no longer. He sank into oblivion, knowing only that he had failed, and that Cluckbottom would eventually destroy the Earth."
"Great!" gloated Margulies. "Suspense, intrigue, action--that's what our readers want. Don't stall Beckworth...go on."

Saving...

"Great!" said Margulies, as he lit a match on a new Campbell serial. "How about Binder, gentlemen? Binder...Binder!" "Bind who?" asked Beckworth. "Oh...yes, yes...Eando Binder. Only one Binder story today. He's failing us--used to have four or five in the mail every morning." "But I don't mail them anymore," said a voice from the door. "I bring them to the office, like I'm doing now. It saves postage." With that Eando Binder crossed the room and laid a stack of some 2000 sheets of paper on the editorial desk. "My latest serial," he said. "But the sheets are all blank," said Margulies. "Oh, shucks," sighed Binder. "I knew I forgot to replace that old ribbon." He gathered up the paper and departed. "Continue," bellowed Margulies. "Let's hear the opening lines of that new Fearn story." Worthbeck arose and commenced reading: "The hero jerked out his ray gun and peppered the oncoming Martians. Then he saw out of the corner of his eye the aged Professor Whomp struggling a mighty dinosaur bug. Just at that time the villain's ray gun spat and two Earthmen bit the dust. Splat! Splat! The hero fired twice. Down went three Martians." "Halt!" said Margulies, "that's terrible--only five men killed in the first paragraph. Remember, men: 75 per cent of the characters must die in a Thrilling Wonder Story!" "Concerning the manuscripts the messenger just brought in," mused Fitzwilly. "There are three Kummer stories hot from the typewriter. However, one is by F.A. Kummer, Sr., and another by F. A. Kummer, Junior." "So what!" argued Margulies, "buy them. Buy them, I say!" "But the third story," continued Fitzwilly, "is by F.A. Kummer, age three." "Read it", commanded Margulies "The space ship departed from Earth in a sizzling streak of flame. Da-da glub goo down in a meddy in a itty bitty poo gurgle gurgle splud." "Excellent!" cried Margulies. "Buy it...the fellow may be another Weinbaum." With that he leaned back in his chair, and using page 499 of a new Skylark story for a torch, ignited his cigar. "Shall we have lunch sent up today, gentlemen?" At their assent he pressed a button and a plate of sandwiches was brought in by a robot. Since Margulies himself was the inventor of the mechanical man, it waited patiently for tips. "What!" said Fuddyduddy, "no lettuce in my sandwich!" "None of the sandwiches have lettuce," said Blidgekins. "There must be a shortage of the stuff." "I'll fix that," said Margulies. "Wire our staff authors immediately," he told the robot. "Tell them that we'll pay two cents a word for stories written on heads of lettuce." With that the editorial board went about eating its lunch, using the pages of a Coblentz novel for napkins. "Continue!" bellowed Margulies, spitting crumbs all over the table. "Let's hear one of Kuttner's yarns!" Beckworth rose, wiping his mouth on A. Merritt's latest opus. He read: "Cluckbottom was going to destroy the Earth. Humanity had reached the breaking point. Something had to be done, so Cluckbottom was going to destroy the Earth." "Good!" said Margulies. "Note the extreme sense of plot Kuttner possesses! Brilliant writing, indeed!" "I say," interrupted Fitzwilly, "I should like to mention that a previously undiscovered Jules Verne novel was found in France recently. I suggest we purchase publication rights immediately." "Yes, that Kuttner is marvelous!" exclaimed Margulies. "Go on, Beckworth. Don't stop there." Beckworth continued. "Our hero held Cluckbottom within the mighty grasp, but soon his aching muscle could bear the torture of the Zilch-ray no longer. He sank into oblivion, knowing only that he had failed, and that Cluckbottom would eventually destroy the Earth." "Great!" gloated Margulies. "Suspense, intrigue, action--that's what our readers want. Don't stall Beckworth...go on."